By | July 19, 2018

See all the winners, weirdies and honorable mentions of our annual YASNI contest

It’s a milestone year for the Scene’s annual YASNI issue — our contest inviting readers to summarize the Nashville experience by finishing the sentence “You Are So Nashville If …” This is our 30th installment of the YASNIs, and our fair city has not disappointed so far in 2018.

Mayor Megan Barry’s resignation in March following an affair with her head of security is a plot that might seem too outlandish for even a multiepisode arc of CMT’s Nashville. Then there was the failure of the Barry-touted transit referendum two months later (a defeat aided by heaps of dark money), followed by a 13-candidate election to fill Barry’s vacant seat. Transit’s failure didn’t stop a flock of electric scooters owned by a company named Bird from swarming the city — that is, before Bird ownership clashed with Metro and ultimately agreed to take the scooters off the streets. And that’s not even to mention WSMV firing beloved longtime anchor Demetria Kalodimos (they’d already laid off the staffer who played station mascot Snowbird back in August), bachelorettes running amok, and, oh yeah, the aforementioned nighttime soap with which our city shares its name going off the air for good. And traffic. Traffic, traffic, traffic.

Is 2018 the year that Nashville jumped the shark? This year’s YASNI winner Charlie Harris seems to think so. And before you write in to tell us, yeah, yeah, we know: Charlie’s entry doesn’t fit the format. But we’ve broken with the constraints of YASNI sentence structure in picking winners before — namely, in 2011 … not to mention 1995, when we just didn’t select a No. 1 entry because they were all so damn dreadful. But Charlie’s submission gets at something we all feel on a gut level, and it’s a hell of a lot bigger than a television show. Old Nashville is gone, and New Nashville is here to stay. That doesn’t mean there aren’t bastions of pre-boom Music City, or that there haven’t been plenty of pros to go along with the cons. It means only that the Nashville of yesteryear is canceled, and New Nashville is here to stay. So why not have a laugh? D. PATRICK RODGERS

Illustration: Katie Turner
First place:

Nashville is canceled. Also, the TV show was not renewed. — Charlie Harris

About the winner:

“I’ve always enjoyed the YASNIs, because they can range from larger specific problems, of which we have plenty, to minor irritations that you’d only know if you lived here,” says Charlie Harris, author of this year’s winning YASNI entry. With his entry, Harris captures it all, the undeniable feeling of a city that knows growing pains.

But Harris, a Nashville native, says there’s still lots to love. “Once you get away from downtown/the Gulch, I still think Nashville has great neighborhoods with plenty of character,” he says. “I do love living and bumming around in East Nashville and enthusiastically attend every Tomato Art Fest — it’s our Christmas.”

Harris is also an avid supporter of the local restaurant scene. “I worry about the survival of many long-standing places,” he says. “Long live Brown’s and [The Gold Rush’s] bean roll.”

When it comes to his outlook on our city, Harris seems to embrace that awkward New Nashville balance — celebrating the good while laughing at the bad. MEGAN SELING

Illustration: Katie Turner
Second Place:

You were bored with the last Avengers movie because you know James Shaw Jr. — Brian Bates

Illustration: Katie Turner
Third place:

Your graveyard shift starts at 7 a.m. — Mike Dorr

Honorable Mentions:

You’re drinking the charter-school Kool-Aid, and kids in Metro schools are drinking lead. — Charlie Harris

Illustration: Katie Turner

You have baby-birded a beer from the carcass of fish on television. — Will Anderson

You lost out in a multiple-offer situation for a two-bedroom pothole off Division Street. — Dana Delworth

Illustration: Katie Turner

You think pink is a good color for your fake, racist horse. — Tripp Sullivan

You are fully cooperating with the TBI investigation and are fully confident there will be no finding that taxpayer dollars were misused in any way. — Matt Taliaferro

In Marlon Brando/A Streetcar Named Desire voice: DEMETRIA!!! — Jamie Yost

You thought the third Jason Isbell show was better than the fifth one. — Ken Lass

Illustration: Katie Turner

You’ve been approached by a Metro Council person asking if you want to buy a Parthenon, cheap. — Doug Shaughnessy

You have voted enough recently to fill your punch card and earn a free small ballot. — Joe Hills

And the rest:

Your children are named Cadence, Rhythm and Duplex. — Drew Maynard

Wait, paving 440 was an option this whole fucking time? — Andy Gasparini

You’re obnoxiously judgy when you see hot chicken on a menu in another city. — Lucas Leverett

You never go downtown before 10 p.m., unless it’s for the controlled demolition of a Christian bookstore headquarters. — Andy Gasparini

You know that if you cut a fart at the Ryman, you will be sitting in your own pew. — Michael Nott

You think Scooter Braun is a description of the physical strength required to seize multiple Bird scooters from Nashville’s streets. — Stacy Harris

You go to the crazy new Dillard’s in Green Hills when you want to be alone. — Rob Zaegel

You wonder how Robert Mueller can run the Trump/Russia investigation and still be back in time to anchor the WKRN News at 6 and 10 p.m. — Larry Sullivan

You think TDOT closing half of 440 means you should call it 220. — Joe Hills

You’re still bragging that your totality was longer than your neighbor’s. — Justin Johnson

Joining a coding bootcamp was a band decision. — Adam Sheaffer

You call the Cumberland River the “Wet Gulch.” — Joe Hills

You bravely stopped a madman at Waffle House and didn’t even get the key to the city. — Ryan Barry

You valet parked at the Poor People’s March. — Willie Hall

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You’re getting married!! Let’s party!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! — Russell Ries Jr.

You wonder if American Girl’s Tenney and Logan dolls are based on anyone you know. — Claire Fisher

When talking politics, you use “Diane Black” and “Marsha Blackburn” interchangeably. — Jim Flautt

You got played by Russian Facebook in the presidential elections and by the Koch Bros. in the transit vote. — Rick Guiden

Congratulations on your East Nashville home purchase! Please enjoy the complimentary subscription to The Music of Ascend Amphitheater. We hope you like Beck. — Andy Gasparini

Your concept of giving the bird to tourists didn’t involve scooters. — Jessica Y.

You knew that if a Christmas tree falls in the park and no one is around to pick it up, you will not get a billion-dollar train set the next year. — Rob Zaegel

You assume Bob’s next venture will be called Rosa Perks. — Wilson Hubbell

Do you even lift, SoBro? — Luke Wiget

“My EP drops today” autofills when you text. — William Mandell

A preacher, a limo driver and a used-car salesman walked into a bar … and the punchline is yet another failed transit plan. — Lucas Leverett

The Ryman Auditorium has released its 2021 schedule, consisting entirely of 280 Jason Isbell shows. — Andy Gasparini

After being shot in a Waffle House, when asked by the mayor if he can do anything for you, you request repairs to I-440. — Susan Houston

You got kicked out of Gallatin Kroger for trying to find Diane Black’s porn stash. — Meredith Hunter

You’re extremely curious about where Diane Black does her grocery shopping. — James Vandegrift

Your church is adding a rooftop bar. — Bob Vogt

You brought your Grammy to the CMA Awards. — Jemison Thornsby

What’s next? Mayor Old Hickory Boulevard? — Andy Gasparini

You couldn’t read Ms. Cheap’s weekend guide because you ran out of free articles. — Charlie Harris

You just don’t trust the tornado sirens. — Tony Gonzalez

You went to protest the Nathan Bedford Forrest bust in your Capitol building and discovered the slave mural in your governor’s office. — Tara Aaron

You submitted that it should really be called “You Are So & Nashville If” to fit in with the other establishments around town. — Jamie Yost

You voted more in May than you had in your entire life. — Jason Parker

WTH is FGL — Ryan Barry

Your work, home and play gear is nothing but Preds gear. #StandWithUs #ThanksMomForSuggestion — Shannon Sullivan

You were recently purchased by either Bill Freeman or Vanderbilt. — Jacob Maurer

Someone from three counties away snuck a Carol Swain sign onto your lawn. — Emily W.

You feel bad that things have gotten so bad for Deacon Claybourne that he’s had to resort to doing Hardee’s commercials. — Claire Fisher

You know what YASNI is. — Michele Totty

You thought banning “sanctuary cities” had something to do with the separation of church and state. — Daniel Spartan Smith

A Frothy Monkey just opened in your house. — Lindsay Bergstrom

You insist that your YASNI entry about the transit vote was WAY better than the winning entry about the transit vote. — Wilson Hubbell

You’re wondering when Reba’s going to make an Opry appearance dressed as Colonel Sanders. — Claire Fisher

You sat in traffic for an hour to vote against the regional transit plan. — Rick Guiden

You’ve been sued by The Dog Spot. — Jane Doe

Like a dummy, you voted against transit. — Jackie Hughes

You stopped listening when they said “tax.” — Lucas Leverett

You have to use Google Translate to decipher “Mas Tacos.” — Luke Wiget

You wish the Vandy whistler would just stop … please stop. — Bob Vogt

Your family trip to the park was canceled because the city sold it for lunch money. — Stephen Yeargin

Instead of better transit, you just got the Bird. — Drew Maynard

You tried to rescue a suicidal woman sitting on the train tracks but it was just Diane Black reading her Bible. — Brian Bates

The East Nashville Facebook group has given you arachnophobia. — Matthew Arnold

Your YASNI submission is now, technically, the intellectual property of a real estate developer. — Willie Hall

You tried to get the hell out of Dodge, but you got stuck in traffic. — Megan Minarich

You wonder which transit alternative would take Malcolm Getz the hell out of Nashville. — Charlie Harris

Your favorite local DJ isn’t at a club this weekend. He’s playing at Restoration Hardware in Green Hills. — Andy Gasparini

You done clutched your pearls clean off your damn neck. — Megan Minarich

You think Nashville already has all the transit it will ever need with the John Deere Party Wagon. — Randal Cooper

You considered moving out of town if Carol Swain won the mayor’s race. — Virginia McCoy

You don’t own a gun, but you do keep a catfish on you for self-defense. — Kelley Griggs

The first numbers of your street address end in A or B. — Lori Honig

You find Bart Durham’s commercials to be more believable than Diane Black’s. — Seth W.

You think it’s not the YASNIs 30th anniversary, it’s the 29th all over again. — Claire Fisher

You think a bipartisan solution for replacing the Nathan Bedford Forrest bust in the Capitol is a bust of P.K. Subban. — Logan Elliott

You mourn the closure of a beloved restaurant you haven’t visited since the ’90s. — Scott Sprouse

This is only your side project. — Luke Wiget

You voted for Phil Bredesen for mayor in ’87, for Congress in ’88, for mayor in ’91 and ’95, governor in ’94, ’02 and ’06, and for Senate in ’18. — Jane Schnelle

The inhumane conditions in your private prisons are well-documented, and you think the only thing that needs to change is your branding. — Charlie Harris

You even managed to scare the British Museum that you’d find a way to break its stuff. — Trent Hanner

You invented fruit tea, apparently. — Nashville Man

You are a tiki bar. — Tony Gonzalez

Your condo is in walking distance to any food you could want. As long as it’s burgers, pizza or barbecue. — Lucas Leverett

You couldn’t help but notice that the president plays Municipal more often than the Shrine Circus, and brings more clowns. — Seth W.

Phil Williams is talking about your spouse. — Nashville Man

You ever bought golf gloves and practiced your swing at a Sir Mix-a-Lot concert. — Chris Ward

The only thing you can afford at Draper James is the free glass of sweet tea. — Jill Kilgore

You support affordable housing until it’s proposed in your neighborhood. — Frankie Stabile

You Airbnb your tornado closet. — Jackie Hughes

The idea of “The North Gulch” has caused you to pop a blood vessel. — Daniel Ryan

Your school’s budget crisis doesn’t bother you … because you learned to do math in those same schools. — Lucas Leverett

You remember both times our great city was brought to its knees: the 2010 flood and the Friday afternoon that those cows wandered around Briley Parkway. — Andy Gasparini

Sometimes you just wanna give Pekka Rinne a hug. Like, most of the time. And you’re not even a Preds fan. He just seems like he could use a hug. — Megan Minarich

You think park land should be a gift to billionaires. — Bill Hennessee

You propose that TNReady be renamed TN Not Ready Yet. — Claire Fisher

This submission is under construction. — Jamie Yost

You can buy the Nashville Scene for a lower price than a studio condo. — Jacob Maurer

You have been accosted on Twitter for writing “J.R. Lind” in for Register of Deeds. — Daniel Ryan

You’re wondering when the Predators are going to open up a Hockey Tonk. — Claire Fisher

You’re already having nightmares about the 2026 World Cup overlapping with CMA Fest. — Addison Pond

You put Margo Price on the cover of your magazine. — Luke Wiget

440 finally got paved and you realize you are just a bad driver. — Katie Miller

You telepathically command David Plazas to blink three times if Carol Swain has secret dirt on him. — Meredith Hunter

You’re not going unless you have a free ticket. — Jamie Yost

You know that the city’s biggest social media influencer is either a wallaby or a pug. — Andy Gasparini

You’re going to barricade yourself inside The Villager until this all blows over. — Charlie Harris

You do a little dance every Monday when you see Margaret Renkl’s column in The New York Times. — Katherine K.

Dave Cobb produced your latest album, single, audiobook, poetry jam, whatever. — Jemison Thornsby

Your laundry loads are darks, lights and GOLDS! — Greg Martz

You have served as CM of District 1 in the past 12 months. — Daniel Ryan

You know what day of the week it is based on the type of tourist encountered downtown. — Katie Miller

All you need to write an op-ed for the Tennessean is a picture of any human. — Charlie Harris

You found this joke in a pothole. — Jamie Yost

You were probably about as likely to drive to Memphis as you were to Antioch for IKEA anyway. — Stephen Yeargin

You painted wings on the side of your Airbnb. — Josh Spilker

You hope the next time someone vandalizes the “I Believe in Nashville” mural they will correct the three stars to the proper alignment. — Andy Gasparini

You vote for mayor more often than you use public transportation. — Megan Koller

You’re wondering how you can sneak a catfish into a Titans game. — Claire Fisher

You just tore down five perfectly good You Are So Nashville If … entries and then built a mixed-use You Are So Nashville If … entry with condos, a yoga studio and a juice bar instead. — Kevin Walters

You commonly refer to the Nashville City Cemetery as Barry Hill. — MJ

The debates on your neighborhood Nextdoor page make your neighborhood Facebook group look like Aristotle’s Lyceum. — Daniel Ryan

You don’t tell visitors your favorite bar for fear bachelorettes will start invading! Personally, I love both Red Doors located in Antioch. — Ryan Barry

You’re still angry at that cloud that ruined the solar eclipse for everyone downtown. — Andy Gasparini

Your flowers get watered with vomit. — Claire Fisher

Double-stacked interstates? Where we’re going, we don’t need double-stacked interstates! — Megan Minarich

Mayoral Mess

Your boyfriend insists on calling you “Madam Mayor.” — Claire Fisher

You think some people shouldn’t be allowed to judge our former mayor, especially anyone who would name their newspaper column “Brad About You.” — Andy Gasparini

You follow both mayors on social media. — Trent Hanner

You thought the mayor’s scandal was super addicting and shouldn’t have been canceled so quickly by CMT. — Kelley Griggs

The mayor reported damage to your great-great-grandfather’s grave at the City Cemetery. — Tim Kernell

You wanted your hockey team to score in overtime, not your mayor. — Andy Gasparini

You have argued about Megan Berry in a Nextdoor comment section about Bird scooters. — Will Anderson

You’re more ashamed of the lack of affordable housing in Nashville than anything Mayor Barry could do. — Becky Shanklin

You were more embarrassed by your mayor’s sex scandal than your president’s. — Rob Zaegel

You can forgive Megan Barry for Rob Forrest, but not Garth Brooks for Chris Gaines. — Kevin Walters

You’re wondering when our mayoral scandal is going to be in a “ripped from the headlines” episode of Law & Order: SVU. — Claire Fisher

You’ll be shocked if the Scene doesn’t announce that its servers crashed due to the high volume of mayoral-scandal-referencing YASNI entries. — Claire Fisher

WTF WSMV?

WSMV breaks up with you on a Post-it. — Lisa Milligan

Your ’92 dream team was Dan, Bill, Rudy and Demetria. — Jamie Yost

They fucking fired Snowbird. — Jamie Yost

You’re concerned with the viability of The French Shoppe without Demetria Kalodimos on TV. — Daniel Spartan Smith

You’ve recently left WSMV. — Nashville Man

You wish Demetria had run for mayor. — Megan Minarich

The Weirdies

You are 99 percent certain you are going home to vape and play piano.

You believe Country Music is for real instead of having the Nashville brass to believe it’s just more Country Muzak from Muzak City where every song sounds the same as the one before and the one after but you’ve never heard of Danny Davis or taken the time to read his comeuppance in Country Music: A Biographical Dictionary.

You’re Italian, you’re from Brooklyn and you love the Olive Garden

You walk into your local sports bar and ask why the Weather Channel isn’t on.

You narrowed the field in the mayoral election by voting for David Briley because you drive the parkway every day and have never had an accident. Knock wood!!

You got so hot this summer you shaved your body hair into a V-neck T-shirt.

There ain’t no money to buy no train, Amazon / there ain’t no money to buy no train, Amazon / there ain’t no money to buy no train / the Beaman Automotive ran a dark campaign, Amazon / oh, Amazon.

Past Winners

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. — Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. — Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, “We really kicked y’all’s ass in that Desert Storm.” — Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. — Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as “the studio audience.” — Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. — Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. — Robert Jetton

1997: You’ve checked your flower bed for Janet March. — Terry Robertson

1998: You’re the only one who doesn’t know you’re gay. — Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. — Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. — Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. — Ken Lass

2002: Towns you’ve never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. — Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. — Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. — Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald’s instead of health care coverage. — Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. — Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. — Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. — Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. — Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. — David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. — Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct The Real Housewives of Nashville. — Holly Matthews

2013: You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. — Bill Hench

2014: Your amp goes to 11, but not to Belle Meade. — Zack Bennett

2015: You’re afraid Bob Mueller’s mustache will be torn down to build a high-rise apartment building. — Zack Bennett

2016: Your therapist doesn’t know you’re gay. — Russell Ries Jr.

2017: In June, you were citing Rule No. 48.24-B that states a goal can be reviewed if an inadvertent whistle caused a stoppage in play. In January, you thought hockey was played with a ball. — Brian Bates

Illustration: Katie Turner
KTNS Catfish
KTNS Cover Nologo
KTNS Jsjr
KTNS Meganbarry
KTNS Parthenon

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